i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
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waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?