ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911