@mommajessiec

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

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@timdonakowski

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

@aotakeo

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

@stevevsninjas

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

@dlicj

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W:

@stewnami

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

@fishbowel

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

@shahrouzt

The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

@BigJDubz

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]