@mommajessiec

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

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@clichedout

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

@AngryBlkManDC

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

@Scorpio1080

I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.

@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

@LurkAtHomeMom

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

@AlanFelyk

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

@SeaGlassSiren

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

@Ketih_the_Yeti

2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?

@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.