Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Wife: I lost my day planner.
Me: Not in your briefcase?
W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.
M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: what is my final challenge
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]