Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero