ME AT 15: [listening to blink] work sucks, i know

ME AT 25: i didn’t know

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I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.


Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone


Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn’t have to be about you
Me: but that’s my autobiography


[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?


Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.


Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.


They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.


me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”