I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
ME AT 15: [listening to blink] work sucks, i know
ME AT 25: i didn’t know
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Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn’t have to be about you
Me: but that’s my autobiography
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.
Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk
wife: great! what did he say?
me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”