Not recommended for beginners.
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”