If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena