Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them