@AsgardianRose

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

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@BabetteJones

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

@marinhubka

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

@birbigs

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

@AbrasiveGhost

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

@TheMichaelRock

If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

@audipenny

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them