Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now