me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”