Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
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Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume