Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You Might Also Like
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.