You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Trainer: You here to get cut?
Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!