me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?


I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.


Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.



Trainer: You here to get cut?

Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill


Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.


Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.


AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.


I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!