@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

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@sixfootcandy

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

@imdaintyaf

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

@Darlainky

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

@fro_vo

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@RichBeingRich

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.