“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You Might Also Like
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
sigh
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.