Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
This is my cat’s medicine.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.