ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
You Might Also Like
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Encore…
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?