Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
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ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
This is a sub tweet
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.