me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
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I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.