Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

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Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!


My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.


Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]


[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*


My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.


Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL


*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*


You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space


I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”