Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”