KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Interviewer: What is your greatest weak…
Me: NO PATIENCE.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Her: What’s sex without love?
Me: About $100 a hour
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*