@mommajessiec

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

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@BuckyIsotope

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

@LADaddy

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

@sirmunchie

Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@PhilJamesson

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

@blahdevivre

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

@WilliamAder

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

@notmythirdrodeo

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*