[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Chicken bread
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor