[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
You Might Also Like
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
🤣🤣🤣🤣
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent