Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Discuss
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom