@lisaxy424

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

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@dadjokehansolo

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

@rowdyforsheriff

HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

@jonnysun

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

@squirrel74wkgn

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@TheCatWhisprer

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.