Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Thrilling chase underway
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”