Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.