me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.


It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.


I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.


If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.


Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?


Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”


Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”


If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?