ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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what
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird