ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome

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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.


I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files


Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring


[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”


Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”


Stranger: can I ask your opinion on something?

Me: you can but I wouldn’t recommend it


Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.


deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)


Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now


[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy