ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome

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Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*


Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.


[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”


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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken


[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first


I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.


Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.