That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Okay me first
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Who.
Did.
This?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”