Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched