I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”
Me at a wine tasting:
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger
The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!