Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.