@ThoughtOtter

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

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@cydbeer

I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”

@rockymomax

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

@BuckyIsotope

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

@DropsNoPanties

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

@weinerdog4life

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

@eff_yeah_steph

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

@Phook75

I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@3sunzzz

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!