Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

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There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.


“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*sweats nervously*
*shoots friend next to him*


[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp


“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service


If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.


I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.


My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.


I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes


“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken