There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.
Me at a wine tasting:
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken