me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.