me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Passwords are more important than ever.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
What’s a Messi?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.