@LlamaInaTux

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

- @LlamaInaTux

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@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@BoomBoomBetty

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

@Reverend_Scott

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@alrightbob

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

@aishaismad

American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@thenatewolf

GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.

@rocknthepurple

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

@eff_yeah_steph

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*