me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
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There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.