@TheAndrewNadeau

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

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@amydillon

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it

Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright

@EliseRose5

When someone says, “Good luck with that” they actually mean “Let me grab some popcorn so I can watch you fail.”

@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

@jergarl

After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.

@ericsshadow

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

@TheKenyan_

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)