ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.