[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”
Actually I am.
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I don’t like puppies. I like old dogs who put a serious paw on your arm as if to say “The jerk I lived with before this buried a treasure map. I still remember where it is. Get your car keys.”
Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me: how did u get in my room again
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
If you really love someone never let them out your basement.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice