Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.




I’m technically a serial killer.


*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair


I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.


I don’t like puppies. I like old dogs who put a serious paw on your arm as if to say “The jerk I lived with before this buried a treasure map. I still remember where it is. Get your car keys.”


Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.


kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me: how did u get in my room again


When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.


TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice