@JohnLyonTweets

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

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@Reverend_Scott

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

@theshantilly

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

@WheelTod

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

@LizHackett

I don’t like puppies. I like old dogs who put a serious paw on your arm as if to say “The jerk I lived with before this buried a treasure map. I still remember where it is. Get your car keys.”

@Shingaboop

Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.

@EJGomez

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

@KalvinMacleod

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

@TheToddWilliams

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice