me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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me linking you to my twitter
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.