@leyawn

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@korryduke

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

@osno13

anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg

@chrisdowning

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.

Boss….

Me: I’ll take that promotion now.