‘Active’ shower gel because I have no idea what active smells like.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.
Decaf means something is very, very Dec.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair