5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?
Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.
Me: I’ll take that promotion now.