@kwkorpi
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
@adamgreattweet
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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@kwkorpi
@BakwasRadio
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
@ditzkoff
chilling
@CopernicusG
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
@oakhillbargrill
Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’
Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’
@WilliamAder
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
@DreamyIdealist3
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
@SenatorBigfoot
Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs!
[two days later]
Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.
@Just_Lee_
4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.
My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.
@grillyjoel
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed