Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

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or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller


Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.


A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire


Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’

Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’


Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?


Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs!

[two days later]

Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.


4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.

My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.


Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed