Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
RT if you know someone like this!!!