ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?