me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems
also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
M: Can you tell me why?
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Common sense: Walk away.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?