*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze