*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

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me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened


Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!


Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.


wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?


Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine


My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.


Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.


ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?