7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers