ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.