@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

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@13Tink5

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

@Be___Dope

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

@MamaNeedsACoke

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

@IAmYardDad

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

@peanusts

elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body

@Sarcasmo718

C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.

@foxnerdrn

If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.

@Holy_Mowgli

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo