Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

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People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show


:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.


The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.


Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business


elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body


C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.


If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.


who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo