Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
This is my emotional support knife.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!