Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
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me logging onto twitter
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
What’s so funny?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.