The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Smells like a challenge to me
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
me refusing to leave twitter
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t