*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo