*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.