Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
much to think about
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.