[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.


This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.


After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a c**t.


I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?


Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.


Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas


I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?


My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…