@blade_funner

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

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@ThePocketJustin

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

@LoveNLunchmeat

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

@RogueGod

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a c**t.

@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

@sarcasticmommy4

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

@Marlebean

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@CrockettsBeard

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…