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-Octopus preparing for a fight
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ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m literally crying
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?